Don't Say Goodbye
by Azerea
Summary: Severus thinks he's lost Lily forever. But has he? And once he does get her back, is it only to lose her again?
1. Forever a Slytherin

**Chapter 1 Forever a Slytherin**

Severus stared at the closed portrait hole. How fitting it was that this was that this was how their friendship ended. The fact they were in different houses had been breaking them apart for years. And now he was on one side and Lily was on the other, in a place where he couldn't follow her.

A Gryffindor and a Slytherin. No one had expected their friendship to last. They had been cursed since the moment the Sorting Hat made its decision. But he had hoped that they would prove everyone wrong. He had hoped that it wouldn't matter with them. Hoped that they were better, stronger than that. And Lily was, Lily hadn't cared, Lily was willing to stick with him. But Severus had been selfish. He should have tried harder. He should have let Lily know that she meant something to him.

Severus turned away, there was nothing else he could do. As he walked back to his common room the same thoughts went through his head again and again. He should have seen this coming. They had been building up a tower of differences for so long that it was bound to fall. It was actually amazing that they had lasted this long.

But how he wished that it wasn't over. There was no one else like Lily. There would never be anyone else like Lily. There was no one else who would accept him for who he was, not who they wanted him to be. And now he'd lost her.

After he called Lily a mudblood his friends had congratulated him. "You can do so much better than her," they'd said.

Severus had nodded and said, "You're right." but they weren't. And inside his heart was breaking.

Severus took a deep breath as tears threatened to overwhelm him. He couldn't cry now. If he saw anyone else tonight they couldn't know he was upset. They couldn't know how much he cared about her. They wouldn't understand. They never understood.

When he entered the common room he was relieved to see there was no one around. He didn't want to answer the questions that he knew he would be asked. If he did he was afraid he'd break down and tell the truth.

He went to the boy's dormitory hopping everyone was asleep. All he wanted to do was sleep. At least then he wouldn't have to think of Lily, unless she was in his dreams.

When he entered the room he heard someone sitting up in the bed next to his and then heard Avery ask, still half asleep, "Where have you been, Snape?"

"Nowhere," Severus lied hopping his voice didn't show his emotion. "I went for a walk."

Avery laughed, "Really?"

"Yes, and I'm quite tired so I think I'll be going to sleep now."

"Fine." Avery replied.

Severus knew Avery didn't believe him but he didn't care. Hopefully he wouldn't remember this conversation in the morning. Or if he did, hopefully he wouldn't think it was important to tell the other Slyherins that Severus was lying about being out after hours. But even he did it didn't matter now. Nothing mattered now.

He got into bed with out undressing. He was too exhausted to even take of his shoes. He pulled the curtains around his bed and silently cast muffliato as the tears he'd held back earlier overcame him. He sobbed into his pillow trying to drown out the sound even though he knew no one could hear. He felt slightly embarrassed to be crying. He was supposed to be stronger than that. But it didn't matter, all he could think about was Lily.

How could he have said that to her? He hadn't meant it. He had never thought of her as a mudblood, but how could she understand that? He had no problem thinking of anyone else as a mudblood. How could she understand how different she was? How important she was to him. Why had he let Potter and Black get to him? They were bullies, that was all. They were trying to get him to snap. And now he'd given them that satisfaction. What if he hadn't? Would Lily and his friendship have lasted? Or were they too different for it to ever work? She was a Gryffindor, brave and loyal. And he was a Slytherin, shrewd and cunning.

And yet here he was crying because of one girl. One girl who had been his best friend for years. One girl who surely wanted to save that friendship just as much as he did.

He sat up and dried his eyes angrily on the blankets. He was being weak. Slytherins weren't weak. Weakness and tears were for the other houses. How could he have thought even for a moment that he had lost Lily for good. Slytherins never let anything stop them. And he was a Slytherin, forever.

It wouldn't be easy he was sure, but he knew he could get Lily back, somehow.

Severus rolled over feeling quite a bit happier. He wouldn't do anything yet, he wanted to give her a chance to calm down. Right now she was too upset to even consider listening to him. But once they went home in a few days he would ask her to meet him somewhere. She was too kind to refuse, he knew, or at least hoped.

Maybe, if everything worked out, she would forgive him. And if she didn't...well he'd worry about that later.


	2. Bottling up the Past

**Chapter 2 Bottling Up the Past**

Severus stepped off the train not bothering to say goodbye to the other Slytherins. He walked toward where his mother stood alone waiting for him. Before he reached her he glanced over to where Lily was standing with her family. Her parents hugged her as Petunia stood with her arms crossed. Severus sighed. He missed Lily already and it hadn't even been a week.

Neither Severus nor his mother spoke as they drove home in the car Severus's father had insisted the get, he didn't like apparation. When they got to the house Severus went up to his room.

He got out a quill and a piece of parchment and thought about what to write. He needed to get Lily to see him. He had very few choices for a meeting spot. Spinners End was tiny.

Finally he decided that the tiny restaurant on the edge of town would be a good place to meet. He dipped his quill in the ink and began to write.

_Dear Lily,_

_I would really like to talk to you. Please meet me at the restaurant sometime. Reply to let me know if you will come._

_Severus_

He folded the parchment and put it in an envelope. He'd have to send it the muggle way since he didn't have an owl.

Once he addressed and put a stamp on the letter he got into bed. He would post the letter in the morning.

Severus awoke early, got up, and went down stairs. Once he'd mailed his letter he went back up to his room feeling better. It felt good to know he'd actually done something. He hated feeling like he wasn't in control.

For the next few days he stayed up in his room constantly except for meal times and when he checked to see if Lily had written him back.

It was five days until he finally got her response. It didn't come the muggle way as he had expected, but rather from the owl Lily had gotten when she started at Hogwarts.

Severus anxiously opened the parchment and read her response.

_Severus,_

_I can't. You know that. Not after what you did. I know you say you didn't mean it, but you still said it. You can't change that. No matter what you do. _

_Lily_

Severus felt like crying. All the hurt from that first night was back again. But he didn't. He couldn't. That wouldn't get him anywhere.

Instead he got another piece of parchment and wrote a reply.

_Dear Lily,_

_I know saying I'm sorry won't do any good. But I am sorry. More sorry than you could ever imagine. I just need to see you one last time. We were best friends for so long. I'll never forget what a good friend you were to me. You were the best friend I'll ever have. I miss you. Please come._

_Severus_

He knew he was begging and he didn't like it, but he didn't have a choice. He also knew that he would make her feel guilty. He felt a little bad about it, but it would be worth it if he got her back.

He attached the letter to the leg of Lily's owl and watched as it flew away. She wouldn't really say no, would she? He hadn't really stopped to think about what he would do if she did. He had hoped that it wouldn't be an issue. But it might be.

When her reply came Severus opened it even more nervously. Would she be mad? Would she give in? He had no idea.

_Sev_

He smiled, she was using his nickname again.

_You were my best friend, as well. I'll never forget that. But I can't forgive you, no matter how bad I want to. Please don't make this harder than it already is. _

_I miss you, too._

_Lily_

The last sentence was scratched out almost too much for him to read but after several minutes concentration he figured it out. _I miss you, too_. She missed him.

He was so close to getting her to give in. He knew she would relent eventually. She was too kind not to.

He started what he would hope would be his last letter.

_Dear Lily,_

_I don't expect you to forgive me. What I did was unforgivable, I know and regret that. But just give me one chance to talk to you. Just see me for ten minutes. After that you can never speak to me again and I won't bother you. Please._

_Severus_

When the reply came he felt slightly less anxious. She was going to give in, he was nearly positive.

_Sev,_

_Fine. Ten minutes. That's all. After that I'm leaving. And please don't bother me again. I need to move on with my life and you make it much too hard._

_Lily_

Severus grinned. She'd said yes. Ten minutes were all he needed. If everything worked as planned by that time she would agree to be friends with him again. He thought about what he was going to do and felt slightly guilty. _It could be worse, _he thought._ At least I'm not using a love potion._

He sat down to write one last letter.

_Dear Lily,_

_Thank you. I will see you next Saturday at noon them, unless that does not work for you._

_Severus_

Lily's reply came quicker that time.

_Sev,_

_That is fine. See you then._

_Lily_

Saturday couldn't come fast enough. The next week dragged on for what felt like forever. Finally it was time. Severus walked to the restaurant and sat down at a table. He was at least half an hour early but he couldn't take waiting and worrying any more.

He spent the next twenty minutes anxiously wondering what he would say when Lily arrived. He really wished she would just get there so he could stop worrying. Luckily she arrived right then.

She looked around for a moment and Severus waved her over.

When she reached the table she looked uncertain as he got up and pulled out her chair. She sat down and politely said, "Thank you."

Severus nodded. "Would you like something to drink?"

"No thank you."

"I forced you to come here, the least I can do is buy you a drink," Severus insisted.

"Fine, just get me a water."

Severus nodded and walked up front and ordered two waters. Before returning to the table he tipped the contents of a tiny bottle into one drink. Shoving the bottle into his pocket he returned to the table.

He set one glass in front of Lily and the other in front of him. Lily took a sip to be polite and the looked at Severus expectantly. "Your ten minutes start now."

Severus took a drink to be sure that the effects of the Veritaserum in her water had time to take effect. "Do you really hate me?" he asked.

Lily shook her head. "I could never hate you, Sev. You were my best friend. I just don't understand how you could have said that to me. I thought I was your best friend," she answered honestly.

"You are my best friend. I would choose you over the Slytherins if I could. But I can't. You don't know them like I do. They're going to join You-Know-Who, they'd kill me if they thought I cared about a muggle born. You don't want me dead, do you?"

"No, of course not. But there has to be something you can do. People don't like me being friends with you either. I don't want to lose you, Sev. But I can't stand hearing people talking about you and telling me how I can do so much better. My friends can't understand how I could be in love with someone like you."

Severus opened his mouth to reply, then closed it fast when the effect of what she'd said sunk in. "You're...what?"

"My friends can't understand how I could be in love with someone like you." she said it calmly as only someone forced to tell the truth could.

"No one has to know," he said.

"No one has to know what?" Lily asked confused.

"About us. I love you but nothing's going to get easier. The only way we have a chance is if it's a secret."

Lily nodded. "I would like that. To be able to see you without everyone talking about us."

"Yes, that would be nice."

"I have to go." Lily said reluctantly. "My parents will be worried. I told them I'd only be gone half an hour."

They walked outside and a little way down the street until they reached the place where they had to go separate ways.

"Meet me at the park tomorrow," Severus said.

"Alright," Lily agreed as she turned away from Severus.

As she walked away, Lily couldn't hold back a smile. She knew Severus had put Veritiserum in her drink, and she knew she should be mad, but she wasn't. She didn't have to pretend anymore. In a way the bottle of Vertiserum had brought back their past. Without it their past would have been gone forever.

Severus watched her until he couldn't see her anymore. This was not how he'd imagined the day to work out when he'd stolen the Veritiserum from Professor Slughorn. This was better than anything he'd ever hoped for. Any guilt he felt about using the potion was gone. It was worth it to know how Lily felt. It was worth it because he'd gotten her back.


	3. Accosted by a Maurader

**Chapter 3 Accosted by a Marauder**

Severus walked thought the barrier on to Platform 9 3/4 without looking at Lily. He wanted to. He wanted to know if she was looking at him. But he didn't, he couldn't. It was hard. They had spent the whole summer together and now he had to act like she didn't exist. But it was alright. He had all the memories from the summer to remember. All the memories to prove that she really did care about him.

He had half thought that she wouldn't meet him that day in the park. He had worried that she would regret those things she said to him or worse be angry. But she wasn't. If she knew she'd been given Vertiserum she didn't mention it. He was glad of that.

They had spent the days at the park catching up. So much had happened to each of them that the other didn't know about. Severus had realized just how long their friendship had been crumbling. But so much had been fixed over the summer. Nothing was as it was back in those days before Hogwarts. How could it be? They were older now, with different friends and different lives. But those memories from way back then held them together.

Severus found a compartment where the other Slytherins in his year were sitting. They exchanged greetings and "How was your summer?"s which Severus tried to pay attention to. When the focus turned to him he shrugged and muttered, "Same as usual."

Everyone assumed he meant that his parents were fighting so they changed the subject. They weren't the type of people who give you a hug and comfort you when you're having a bad day. Severus hadn't been talking about his parents, though, but no one needed to know that.

When the train arrived at Hogwarts, Severus pretended not to notice Lily laughing with her friends and looking so happy. But he did. At one point their eyes met and for the briefest of seconds Lily smiled. But she looked away before he could smile back.

At the start of term feast Severus cheered with all the other Slytherins when someone joined their house and attempted to join in the conversation, but his mind was else where.

He was thinking about Lily of course. More specifically when he'd talk to her again. They'd agreed to meet in the owlery the first Saturday of the year. It wasn't that uncommon for students to be sending letters home at that point and if there were other people there then they could act like the meeting wasn't planed.

It seemed like so long to wait to even look at her for more than a second but he knew they had no choice. Their friends would never forgive them if they were seen together. He hadn't been lying to Lily when he'd said they would kill him. And her friends would be just as mad since they thought she had stopped speaking to him.

When the feast was over Severus walked with the rest of the Slytherins to their common room. Most stayed in the common room to talk but Severus, claiming to be exausted, went right to bed.

The next morning when the schedules were passed out Severus saw that the Slytherins had Potions with the Gryffindores first. Then Herbology with the Ravenclaws, Transfiguration, Charms, Ancient Runes, History of Magic, and then Defense Against the Dark Arts with the Hufflepuffs.

Potions was typical. Slughorn looked amazed at Severus's potion making skills as usual and invited both him and Lily to a party the last Saturday of the month. Potter flirted with Lily who did her best to ignore him. Black laughed and tried to ruin Severus's potion while Lupin and Petigrew acted like they had no idea what was going on.

The rest of the day went fairly well mainly because Severus didn't have to see Potter or try not to notice Lily. The new Defense teacher seemed like she'd be alright. Not the most knowledgeable but enthusiastic. Finally it was time for supper and then bed.

The week passed slowly and as it usually did. Finally Saturday came. Severus got up early and went to the owlery. Lily was already there. "Severus," she said hugging him.

"Lily," he replied. "I've missed you."

"Me too. Has it really only been six days since I talked to you."

"I know. It seems like so much longer."

They talked and laughed for a few minutes. Then they heard someone coming up to the owlery and they quickly acted like they hated each other. It was a Ravenclaw seventh year who looked at them strangely but then went to send her letter.

Severus could only pretend to send a letter for so long so pretty soon he had to leave. He glanced back at Lily but she was concentrating on her owl so he walked away.

* * *

The next few weeks passed without excitement. Severus didn't have a chance to see Lily with all the time spent in class and on homework.

A week before Slughorn's party Severus was looking out his window and he saw Lupin walking with Madame Pomfrey towards the Whomping Willow. He ran out of the castle but by the time he got outside Lupin was gone.

He heard laughter behind him and he turned to see Black. "Where'd Lupin go?" Severus asked.

"If you go to the Whomping Willow and press a knot on its trunk you can crawl through a tunnel at its base and you'll find out," Black answered.

Severus took off towards the tree. Finally he would find out. He found the knot in the tree and levitated a stick to it. The tree froze and Severus found the entrance to the tunnel and crawled in. He walked down the tunnel, heard snarling, and froze. What was that? He heard faint footsteps behind him. It was probably Black coming to see what he was doing. He started walking again. The snarling got louder. He turned a corner and saw a terrifying sight. A werewolf stood in front of him. For the second time he froze.

Suddenly he was pulled back. He saw Potter behind him looking terrified. "Run," he said. Severus didn't need telling twice. He got out of there as fast as he could, not even waiting to see what Potter would do.

When he was back to the safety of the castle he let his anger overwhelm him. Black had known what would happen if he went in there. Black nearly killed him. He had been right. They didn't just play practical jokes on people. They were nearly murderers. He chose to ignore the fact that it was Potter who had saved him.


	4. To the Sanctuary of the Library

**Chapter 4 To the Sanctuary of the Library**

Severus wandered the corridors not really paying attention to where he was going. Still fuming he found himself outside the library. He went inside and his eyes immediately landed on the person he most wanted to see. The library was deserted, Severus didn't even see the librarian.

He walked over to the table and sat down beside her. She looked up. "Severus," she looked around as well. "What happened?" she asked taking in his dirty clothes and angry expression.

"Black," he spat. "Probably Potter, too and maybe Pettigrew. And Lupin, of course."

"What did they do?"

Severus recalled the earlier events. "You can't possibly stick up for them after that," he finished.

"But Potter saved you," Lily replied hesitantly.

"He probably knew that if I was killed they'd obviously be blamed."

"Or maybe he thought that Black's idea was a bad one from the beginning and was waiting to save you."

"He could have told me before I went in there. Before I nearly got killed. Speaking of which, whose idea was it to let a werewolf come to Hogwarts?"

"Probably Dumbledore's."

"I thought he was smarter than that. I can't believe no one's found out before this."

"He probably didn't expect anyone to find out. He had no way of knowing someone would think it was a good idea to tell someone how to get in and see Lupin."

"Still it was stupid. When parents find out they won't want their children to stay here."

"You're not going to tell anyone are you?"

"Of course I am! It's not safe and people need to know."

"Don't. Lupin's not that bad and everyone will hate Dumbledore if they find out."

"So I'm just supposed to let Black nearly kill me? I'm not supposed to do anything about it?"

Lily was quiet for a minute. "You can tell Dumbledore," she finally said.

"Fine," Severus replied.

Lily stood up. "It's late. We should go back to our common rooms."

Severus stood, too. "Goodnight," he said stiffly still upset at her for defending Potter. They went their separate ways outside the library. Severus thought of the next day and what he'd tell the headmaster. What worried him most was that Black and Potter would get off easy. They didn't deserve that.

* * *

The next morning Severus waited outside the Great Hall for Dumbledore.

"Good morning, Mr. Snape," the headmaster greeted.

"Good morning, Professor," Severus replied. "I was wondering if I could tell you something that happened last night?"

"Of course you may."

Once again Severus told what had happened. When he finished Dumbledore had a thoughtful look on his face. "I see," he said. "You do understand it was not right of you to attempt to find out where Mr. Lupin was going?"

"Yes, but-," Severus started.

"However," Dumbledore continued, "That does not change the fact that you could have been hurt due to Mr. Black's foolishness. Therefor I will take fifty points from Gryffindor and give him detention. In the future it would be wise to be careful when faced with the unknown."

"Thank you, sir," Severus replied. It hadn't been quite what he'd been hoping for. Potter hadn't been punished, but Dumbledore would not understand Severus's suspicion that he'd been involved.

"I'll also have to request that you do not speak of Mr. Lupin's condition to anyone. There would be devastating consequences if people were to find out."

"Of course not, Professor."

Dumbledore turned and walked away and Severus walked back to his common room. What would Black say when he was asked why he had detention and why he'd lost points? He couldn't tell the truth. The thought of Black struggling to come up with an excuse for his punishment brightened Severus's mood immensely. Who would have guessed something good could come out of a life threatening situation?


	5. The Slug Club

**Chapter 5 The Slug Club**  
Severus sat beside Regulus Black in Slughorn's office trying to look like he was interested in the conversation. Truthfully he couldn't have cared less about the various famous relatives of the people in the room. Only a few were there because of their own achievements. Lily was sitting at the other end of the table and was either better at pretending or actually was having a good time.

Finally the food was gone and Slughorn stood saying it was late. Before anyone left he said, "I'm having a Christmas party the last day of class before Christmas. Please bring a guest. Now goodnight."

Everyone filed out of the room but Severus held back hoping he'd be able to talk to Lily for a second. She walked out with one of her friends without glancing at him. Severus should have expected this but it still stung a little.

He walked back to the common room alone since Regulus had left without him. As he walked he thought. There was no one he wanted to take to the Christmas party that he could take. He could go alone he supposed or take a Slytherin girl. But Lily would be upset if he did. Who would she take? Was there a Gryffindor she'd ask? He hoped not, but would she go alone? He walked into the boys dormitory and was asleep before he could answer any of his questions.

* * *

The next few days passed uneventfully. On Wednesday when Severus walked into the Great Hall he sought out Lily with his eyes as usual. Unlike usual he found her looking back at her. She looked shocked when their eyes met and looked away quickly. This puzzled Severus as he walked to the Slytherin table. He didn't have to wonder for long what was going on. The moment he sat down Regulus leaned over and said, "Did you hear that mudblood you used to be friends with asked Potter to the Christmas party?"

Severus was so shocked he dropped his fork. "What?" he said. "Why?"

"Don't know," Regulus replied. "I heard he annoyed her so much she finally gave in."

Severus didn't say anything. How could she?

"Who are you going with, Severus?" Luca, a Slytherin girl in his year, asked.

Without thinking Severus replied, "Will you go with me?"

Luca smiled. "Oh course." And she walked away.

Regulus looked at Severus strangely. "I didn't know you were friends with Luca."

"You don't know everything," Severus replied coolly standing up. "I'll see you later."

* * *

In potions that day it was even harder than usual to not notice Lily. She tried to get his attention the moment he walked in but he just glared. After that she kept trying to catch his eye even when he ignored her. After class was over he rushed out of the room but she somehow managed to stick a note in his pocket. He left it there until he got back to his common room at the end of the day.

_Sev,_  
_I had to go with someone. You know that. James isn't that bad. He saved your life remember? Don't be mad._  
_Love,_  
_Lily_

Severus angrily threw the letter into the fire. How could she expect him to be okay with her going with _him_?

Lily gave him a few other letters in during the next two weeks but Severus threw them away without opening them.

When the day of the party finally came Severus was not looking forward to the evening. Not only was Potter going to be there, he was going to be there with Lily.

Severus met Luca in the common room. She was wearing a flowing green dress and had her hair pulled up. "Let's go," Severus said. Luca nodded and they left the room.

Once in Slughorn's office Severus immediately looked for Lily. She was standing by Potter across the room. She met his eyes and Potter turned as well. He made like he was going to go over but Lily grabbed his arm and said something to make him stop. He laughed and gave Severus a look that obviously said, 'I have what you want.'

Severus looked away and pretended to be engaged in a conversation with Luca. The night passed in a blur of trying to avoid Lily and Potter and trying to act like he was interested in Luca.

Eventually he couldn't take it anymore and he left the room claiming to need a bathroom. The moment he was away from the loud taking of the party he breathed a sigh if relief.

The peace didn't last long however. A moment later he heard a far too familiar voice behind him. "You're being very rude, you know?" Lily informed him.

Severus turned to face her. "What are you doing out here? I thought you'd want to be spending time with Potter."

"Stop it. I only asked James to get him to stop bothering me. And I think that's better than you taking some Slytherin girl."

"I had to take someone and there's nothing wrong with her."

"She's a Slytherin! I've heard her talking. She said that she'll only marry a death eater."

"When were we talking about marriage? All I did was ask her to a party!"

"And the only reason she said yes was because she knows you want to be a death eater!"

"You don't know that! You don't know the Slytherins at all! Don't try to explain why we do the things we do!"

"I'm not trying to explain! I know these things, Severus! Everyone knows them!"

"You don't! You haven't spoken to me for weeks! How do you know anything that's going on?"

"I haven't spoken to you because you've been ignoring me. Don't you dare blame that on me!"

"I've been ignoring you because you asked Potter! You know I can't stand him and you still asked him!"

"Why is it always about you? Why am I not allowed to be happy?"

"Oh he makes you happy now? I thought I made you happy!"

"You would if you tried but you don't! You don't try to be better!"

"I try more than you know. Every time I so much as look at you I'm risking someone finding out about us."

"You are selfish Severus Snape. Do you think it's any easier for me? Not a day goes by that someone doesn't mention how good it is that I'm over you. I hate lying but I have to do it everyday."

"I'm selfish? You're the one who expects me to be alone while you're with Potter."

Lily didn't reply at first she just shook her head. Finally she said, "Let's not fight." and turned to go back in the room.

Severus remained outside for another minute. He knew he'd won but did he really want to win? He was angry at Lily but this wasn't a good way to keep her with him. If she thought he hadn't changed they would be back where they were last June. He knew he wouldn't get a chance to talk to her before she left for home but he'd send her an owl once she got home for Christmas.


	6. Rumours Spread Faster at Hogwarts

**Chapter 6 Rumours Spread Faster at Hogwarts**

The next morning whispers started the moment Severus entered the Great Hall. There weren't many people as most of them had left for home early that morning but the ones that were left were obviously talking about him.

"I thought you were done with that mudblood," a seventh year Slytherin said when Severus sat down.

"I am," Severus replied looking down the table at the rest of his house. The only Slytherins that had stayed at school were the boy he was talking to now, two first year girls, and a fourth year boy.

"That's not what everyone at Slughorn's party last night said," the boy countered. "They say you were screaming at her out in the hallway and that she was screaming back."

"What's wrong with me screaming at her?" Severus asked.

"I don't think it was just screaming. You claim you haven't spoken to her since last June and that you are done with her, but you don't get into fights with people you haven't spoken to for months for no reason."

"She had the nerve to show up at that party and try to talk to me as if I didn't make it perfectly clear how I felt last June. I had no choice but to scream at her," Severus lied quickly

"I'd be careful if I were you. You have to remember who you are. You may think you have everything under control but if you make one wrong move everything is going to come tumbling down."

"I'm a Slytherin," Severus snarled. "I always have everything under control."

The boy nodded disbelieving and slid down the table to sit by the fourth year leaving Severus alone. Appetite gone, Severus stood and left the great hall, wandering back to his dormitory. He decided to start his letter to Lily.

_Lily_

_I'm sorry. I didn't mean those things I said last night. I know you had to take someone and Potter was willing. Maybe I shouldn't have taken someone. I am very sorry. Please forgive me._

_Love,_

_Severus_

He read back over the letter. It sounded awful. They'd just had a little fight. Did he even need to write a letter? He could just talk to her when she got back. She would have probably forgiven him by then anyway.

He crumpled up the parchment and went down to throw it in the fire. He watched it burn up wondering if he was doing the right thing and wondering why this all had to be so complicated.

The Christmas holidays passed slow and boring. Eventually they were over, students returned, and classes resumed.

Severus had hoped to speak to Lily that day but she was always surrounded by her friend and ignoring his glances. Obviously the holidays had not given her enough time to forget about their fight. By noon that day Severus found out that she wasn't the only one who hadn't forgotten.

It seemed that the whole school knew of their rumored fight. Severus was unsure how everyone had managed to find it out but looks he got all day made it clear that they did. The Gryffindors all looked angry and when they passed in the corridors, Severus was sure Potter and Black would have attacked him if Lupin and Pettigrew hadn't held them back.

It was with great relief that Severus retired to his room at the end of the day and pretended to be asleep when the others came up to bed.

The rest of the week passed with much of the same. Finally on Saturday Severus caught Lily outside the Great Hall after breakfast. "I need to talk to you," he said.

Lily looked around to make sure they were alone. "I know," she replied. She pulled him into an empty classroom and locked the door. "Now what?"

Severus took a deep breath and started, "I'm sorry."

"So am I."

"You don't have to be sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you."

"But I should have thought about your feelings. I know you hate James, I shouldn't have asked him."

"I asked someone, as well. I'm no better."

"I just hate fighting," Lily said.

"So do I."

"Can you forgive me?"

"I never didn't. What I'm worried about is you forgiving me," Severus said.

"Of course I'll forgive you."

Severus smiled. "Good."

They stood in silence for a few moments then Lily said, "James wanted to kill you, you know?"

"I figured that much."

"I told him not to."

"Considerate of you," Severus said dryly.

"I haven't spoken to him since."

"Good."


	7. Always a Slytherin

**Chapter 7 Always a Slytherin**

Things were pretty much back to normal between Severus and Lily, or at least as normal as they'd ever been. All their meetings were still quick ones when no one else was around due to the still constant threat that someone would find out about them.

Potter and his friends still glared at Severus when they saw him but Severus was careful not to give them a chance to do anything to him. He thought that maybe whatever Lily had said to keep them from killing him after his and Lily's fight still kept them from doing anything now.

Most of the time Severus and Lily would meet in classrooms in unoccupied parts of the castle. They would lock the door and sit and talk for no more than an hour. Any longer and people would start asking questions.

Not that they didn't ask questions already. Everyone was asking questions. Anytime anyone was not exactly where they were supposed to be people asked questions. They assumed the worst automatically. But those were questions that could be answered with lies. Lies that people believed. Lies that kept Severus and Lily safe.

It was at the end of one such meeting that Lily turned to Severus and said, "Have you ever thought of telling someone?"

"Telling someone what?" Severus asked. They had been talking about Quidditch and who would win the upcoming match and get the cup. Severus was sure that was not what Lily was talking about now.

"Us," Lily clarified. "Don't you ever want to stop having to sneak around all the time? Don't you just hate lying about everything you do that has to do with me?"

"We can't," Severus said automatically. "People would be too upset. My friends would kill me and so would yours. Our only chance is keeping this a secret."

"This," Lily repeated. "What is this even? This isn't anything like what I imagined it."

"How did you imagine it?"

"I don't know. More…perfect I guess. Less secrets and more time to be happy together."

"Life doesn't really work like that. I thought you knew that." Severus wasn't the type who enjoyed deep conversation about feelings. If Lily was going to start analyzing their relationship he wanted to leave.

"I do know that," Lily said. "I just wish it did."

"But it doesn't and there is no use wishing for things that will never happen."

"But why can't it happen? Why can't we live in a world where people are allowed to be happy however they want and with whoever they want? Why do people have to judge each other so much? I sometimes wish I didn't live here. I wish the world and the people in it were kinder. I wish there was something I could do to change people's minds."

"It doesn't mater. You can't just like we can't tell anyone about us and you might as well get used to lying. Life is much easier if you don't feel the need to tell the truth so often."

Lily looked sad for a moment. "You'll never change, you know that? You'll always be a Slytherin and there's nothing I can do about it."

She didn't say it as if she was angry about it, she didn't even meet his eyes. Severus felt like he should say something, but he couldn't think of a thing to say. So he left.


	8. Forever Young

**Chapter 8 Forever Young**

"Hey Sev?" Lily said looking up from the book she was reading. They were sitting in the park, together, but up until that point they hadn't spoken.

"Yes?" Severus replied.

"I was just thinking," Lily said.

Severus waited a moment to see if she was going to continue and when she didn't he asked, "About what?"

"How things used to be," she answered. "Back when we were younger and everything was so simple."

Severus didn't know what had caused Lily to start thinking about such things. They weren't at school anymore and all the problems of the previous year seemed far away. They only had one more year at Hogwarts and then they wouldn't see most of those people anymore.

Severus didn't know what would happen at the end of next year. He tried not to think about it too much. Could he and Lily have a future? Did she want them to have a future together? He would like to think that things would be different after they graduated without the constant pressure of his friends, but would it really?

"Why are you thinking about that?" Severus asked looking up to meet Lily's eyes.

"I don't know. It's something I have thought about a lot recently," Lily admitted. "Don't you remember how easy life was back then? I can't even remember the things I worried about. It must not have meant much. I sometimes wish that I could go back to that, don't you?"

Severus didn't answer for a moment. He wasn't sure what the answer was. Yes, things were different back then, better probably, but did he want to go back to that? He tried to be the type of person who didn't look back, after all the past was the past and unless he could do something to change it, what was the use in thinking about it? The most important thing was to think about the future and what he could do about that. But he had tried hard not to do even that recently. At the moment he was just living in the present.

After a moment he said, "On occasion, but that's gone now. No amount of wishing can bring it back."

"I suppose you're right."

The silence returned and Severus wished he had said something else. He hated when he upset Lily.

He thought about what Lily had said. He remembered what it was like back when they were younger. They had both been happier together. Maybe sometimes he did wish he could go back to that. He smiled remembering.

Without thinking he started to speak again. "Do you remember when we convinced your sister that since you were a witch your nose would turn long and crooked and your face would get covered in warts?"

Lily looked up and laugh. "I believed you, too! I checked my face in the mirror every morning for years."

"Really? You should have told me, I would have told you I made it up."

"I was terrified. I wasn't going to ask you about it." Lily was still laughing. "It wasn't until we went to Diagon Alley and I saw that all the witches faces looked fine that I realized you made it up."

They sat there laughing for a moment then Severus said, "And do you remember what that trip to Diagon Alley was like? We barely got all of our supplies because you insisted on going in every single shop."

"I'd never seen anything like Diagon Alley before," Lily defended herself. "It was amazing all the things I saw there. It would have completely ruined the experience if I missed a shop."

Severus laughed, "Well you didn't."

"The only thing better than that was the first time I saw Hogwarts."

Severus nodded, he remembered that moment, too. He and Lily had gotten in a boat with two other girls and Potter and Black had gotten in the boat behind them with their friends. They spent most of the boat ride trying to splash Severus's boat but even they stopped awestruck and the sight of the castle.

Severus always thought it was strange that the first bad memory of so many involving them was followed by one of his best.

"It was so beautiful," Lily said, "the way the lights reflected off the water. That's the way I see magic, strangely beautiful."

Severus smiled at the happy gleam in her eyes.


	9. Voldemort's Army - Still Recruiting

**Chapter 9 Voldemort's Army - Still Recruiting **

Lily stood beside the Hogwarts Express saying goodbye to her parents. None of them mention Petunia's refusal to accompany them to the station. It was usually something she did despite her apparent hatred for all things magic. This time however she had said she had better things to do than watch Lily get on her magical train. Her boyfriend, a large boy with no neck whose name sounded like Vermin, came by to pick her up a few minutes later. Petunia left without even saying goodbye to Lily.

Lily tried not to dwell on this as she hugged her parents and went to find her friends. She saw Mary and started towards her. As she maneuvered her way around people she nearly ran into someone standing a bit away from the group of seventh year Slytherins.

It was Severus of course. He met her eyes for a fraction of a second and then turned to the other Slytherins, acting like he had been talking to them the whole time. Lily continued walking trying not to dwell on Severus's actions. She couldn't help but think that a few days before they had been best friends. She knew he couldn't start talking to her but would it kill him to acknowledge her? It wasn't like his friends were paying attention to him.

Her thoughts were interrupted when Mary saw her and came to meet her.

"How was your summer?" Mary asked. "You hardly wrote."

"I'm sorry," Lily said pushing Severus out of her mind. "I was busy."

"So was I," Mary agreed. "My family spent a month in Rome. It was amazing." She launched into a detailed account of the entire trip. Lily listened nodding and smiling, glad to have something else to think about.

They were on the train and looking for a compartment when Lily remembered, "I'm head girl. I have to go to the prefects carriage"

"You're head girl?" Mary said not sounding at all surprised. "I thought you would be, but you didn't say anything."

Lily laughed, "I just didn't think about it?"

"Of course. Do you know who the head boy is?"

"No, but I'll find out."

They passed a compartment with some of their friends and Mary went inside. Lily waved and continued towards the front of the train. When she went into the compartment she saw most of the prefects were already there. She recognized the prefects in her year as well as the ones in the year below. She knew the two fifth year Gryffindors and the Hufflepuff girl looked familiar. She could tell who the other fifth years were since they looked younger than the others.

The only thing that confused her was the boy standing in the middle of the compartment wearing a head boy badge. He looked up when she walked in.

"How did you get head boy?" she asked.

"I guess Dumbledore thinks I've matured enough," James answered.

"Let's hope he's right," Lily said.

She wasn't sure how she felt about James being head boy. The fact that he had not asked her out in the two minutes they'd been together obviously meant something. Maybe he had finally grown up.

She knew that the prefects, especially the new ones, were waiting for a speech. Since James had never been a prefect it was up to her to give it.

"You have all been made prefects for a reason," she began. "Due to the ability you've shown during your time at Hogwarts Professor Dumbledore has decided to grant all of you the privilege of being a prefect. But with this privilege is responsibility. If you were a prefect last you know this already, but for the sake of those who weren't I will reiterate. It is a prefects duty to aid the younger students and to make sure everything goes properly at Hogwarts.

"Your first duty will be to patrol the train. You will make sure there is no fighting and that the journey goes well. You will also make sure everyone gets off the train and into Hogwarts. After the feast it is your job to show the first years to their dormitories. You also have the ability to take points from misbehaving students. Make sure you don't abuse this right. You will have to patrol the corridors at night to make sure no one is breaking curfew. You will be receiving your patrolling schedule shortly. Now any questions?"

No one said anything so Lily said, "Good, you may go then." When everyone had filed out she turned to James. "So you have matured?"

James nodded, "Or at least Dumbledore things so."

"It's about time."

James laughed. "Maybe it is."

* * *

Lily tried to concentrate on the conversation around her at the start of term feast but her eyes kept flickering to the Slytherin table. At the previous year's feast Severus had tried to meet her eyes half a dozen times but this year he didn't so much as glance at her.

She told herself that he was a better actor now than he was a year ago. He was better at acting like he didn't care about her. The excuse was plausible, they were older now, if only by a year.

At the same time she wished she didn't care. Her feelings for Severus were something that never failed to confuse her. She had been in love with him for a long time but best friends with him for even longer. For a long time her friends had told her to give up on Severus and go out with James. Lily had never been able to do that. Even the moments when she swore she hated Severus she couldn't quite make herself believe it. And things were so much worse now. Everyone thought she had gotten over Severus. Only Severus himself knew her true feelings.

She though back to the day they'd made up. He'd said 'I love you', only after she'd said it under the effect of Veritiserum, but it still had to mean something.

But their relationship hadn't changed much since that day. Other than the secrecy nothing had changed from how their friendship used to be. This didn't bother Lily exactly, she didn't want to have a serious relationship when it was one she couldn't even admit, but she didn't understand why Severus didn't want one. She supposed he wanted to take things slowly. Maybe he was worried about losing her again.

That was a believable answer but it didn't stop Lily from stealing glances at the Slytherin table frequently throughout the meal.

When the feast was over Lily hung back to make sure none of the students were left behind in the Great Hall. When the Slytherins walked past her Lily turned the other way. If Severus was going to ignore her she saw no reason why she shouldn't ignore him right back.

Lily was the last of the students out of the Great Hall so she found herself walking to the Gryffindor common room alone. After a minute she hear someone come up beside her. She turned and saw James.

It was rare to see him away from his friends but a quick glance around told her they were nowhere to be seen. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"Walking with you," he answered.

"Why?"

"Well I reckon we'll have to spend some time together now and I thought that you should get used to it now. Break it to you gently, you know?"

Lily grimaced. She would have to spend time with James now. Patrolling with Remus had always been fine, but James would be another story. She just hoped that he was right when he said he'd matured.

They walked in silence until they came to the portrait of the fat lady. It was strange, Lily wasn't used to James being quiet. He said the password and let her go in first. Lily bit back a smile. James Potter being nice, this was unusual.

He went to sit with his friends as soon as they were inside and she went to find hers. They had notice her walk in with James of course and couldn't help commenting.

"Have you finally started to like him?" Alice asked.

Lily sighed, what was she supposed to say? She couldn't possibly tell them the truth, that she was in love with someone else. "I don't know," she said slowly. "If he has really changed then maybe." It was a lie, but she couldn't help it.

"Finally," one girl muttered.

Lily laughed and and after a few minutes of meaningless conversation she said she was going to bed. The other girls in her year agreed and they all left the group.

Lily tried not to think of anything as she was falling asleep because no matter how hard she tried the only things she could think about were Severus and James and she knew if she thought of them they would be in her dreams, and only in her dreams could she escape the stress of reality

* * *

For Severus the first day back at Hogwarts had been more difficult than he had imagined. In some ways it was the same as all other years but in others it was so completely different.

He had spent the entire feast telling himself not to look at Lily. Nothing good could come out of looking at her, he told himself.

When classes started Severus found himself worrying endlessly about potions. Why did that class always have to be with the Gryffindors? Potions was the last class of the day so of course Severus had the entire day to think about it.

Lily was smart, he was sure she wouldn't do anything rash but really anything could be dangerous. They had been careless the past year. It was a miracle that no one had realized what was going on between him and Lily. He thought back to Slughorn's Christmas party and all the drama that one fight had caused. If that was how the school reacted to a fight Severus didn't want to know how they would react to the whole truth. He also didn't plan on figuring out.

After Transfiguration Severus walked with the rest of the Slytherins to the dungeons. He didn't take part in the conversation much. The topic was the same as the past night. It was always the same really. Although the year had just started everyone knew it was the beginning of the end. The future seemed so close and plans had to be made. Severus knew the Slytherins weren't the only ones thinking about the future. Walking back to his dormitory the previous day Severus had heard a group of Hufflepuffs discussing their career plans and on the way to the dungeons he passed the Ravenclaws in his year discussing the same.

The only difference was the Slytherins weren't discussing career options when they spoke of the future. They were discussing something much darker, joining You-Know-Who. Severus tried to stay out of the conversation as much as possible. Every time he spoke of joining You-Know-Who he thought of Lily and what she would say if she could hear him. He tried not to feel too guilty, it wasn't his fault he was a Slytherin. It wasn't his fault all the Slytherins wanted to talk about was becoming Death Eaters. But deep down he did feel horrible about it. He felt like he was betraying Lily and their hard-won friendship every time he agreed with the others.

When they reached the dungeon Severus saw that the Gryffindors had yet to arrive. It was surprising as the Transfiguration room was nowhere near the dungeons. But a moment later the other house arrived, several talking about an excellent Care of Magical Creatures lesson about unicorns.

Severus heard Lily's voice along with the rest. "They are so beautiful," she said.

One of the girls with her agreed. "It is funny that they only like girls, isn't it?"

The girls laughed and Severus focused hard on keeping his eyes straight ahead. He wished he could see Lily, he loved when she laughed. He might have looked if Slughorn hadn't called the class to order at that very moment.

"Good afternoon," he said. "And a happy first day back. As you all know you will be taking your N.E.W.T.s this year. There are so many things you need to learn to be properly prepared for these examinations. That being said, we will begin immediately. Today you will be brewing a blood replenishing potion. This can be quite tricky and potential dangerous if brewed incorrectly. You can find the recipe for this potion on page ninety-seven of your books."

Severus pulled out his book and opened to the correct page. He had never made this potion before but he had made enough potions in his life to know what improvements to make to the potion. He sometimes wondered if whoever wrote the textbook knew anything about potions at all. It seemed obvious to him that a counterclockwise stir should be added in after five clockwise ones to make the potion turn the proper red color in the end. How could that result possibly be reached with out the correct steps?

He made a note of his change in his book and glanced around quickly to see if anyone else had managed to properly make their potion. A few peoples' potions were pink but only Lily's had turned red. It was a shade lighter than Severus's but red all the same. Only she could make a proper potion by following the book.

When the class was over Severus left with the other Slytherins once again ignoring Lily. They were on their way to dinner when Severus noticed that Lily wasn't walking with the group of girls she usually walked with. Instead she was walking with Potter. She wasn't smiling or giving any sign that she was happy to be with him, but the fact remained the same. He knew that Lily was head girl and was going to be forced to spend time with the head boy even if it was Potter. He would even go so far to say that they were probably discussing something relating to their duties as head boy and girl. After what had happened the previous year Lily gone out of her way to avoid Potter.

The thing that was still bothering Severus was how Potter managed to be head boy at all. In all the six years Severus had known Potter he had never done anything to warrant being made head boy. Severus trusted Dumbledore and he had chosen Potter for a reason. That reason scared Severus almost as much as Potter being head boy itself scared him.

If Potter was head boy he would get to spend time with Lily. And if the reason he had been made head boy made Lily change her mind about him then Severus might lose her for good. It was really too early to tell anything for sure but Severus was sure of one thing, he wouldn't let Potter steal Lily away from him.

* * *

Lily wasn't used to being ignored by Severus. All through sixth year it had been him seeking her out. She had never had to do anything but wait. She didn't like him ignoring her. Nearly a month of school had gone by without her speaking to her once. Every time she was near him, when they had classes together and when they passed in the corridor, she expected him to slip a note inside one of her books like he had the fast year. He never did.

She thought about doing something herself, she really missed him, but she wasn't sure she wanted to. Maybe he had gotten over her. If he preferred the Slytherins to her that was his decision. She wasn't going to force him to talk to her. That would only make matters worse.

She tried to keep herself busy. She did have a lot to do between homework, which was harder than ever with the teachers all trying to prepare them for N.E.W.T.s, and her head girl duties, which required a lot more effort than being a prefect. She found that James was far more helpful than she could have ever imagined. There were even times that she thought he sounded almost intelligent. Maybe he had finally realized that there was a time to be serious. But she also found that he could be quite funny. She would never admit it to anyone but when they were alone she couldn't help laughing at his jokes now and then.

Sometimes she though it would be better if she could feel the same way about her that she did about him. Everything would be so much simpler. She could tell by the way her friends grinned when she was around James that they thought there was something going on.

Lily knew that it wasn't true. She was spending enough time with James to know that he was different, but why. She wasn't sure that this wasn't all part of a new ploy to get her to go out with him. But as the months went by she began to think that maybe he wasn't acting. He hadn't asked her to any of the Hogsmeade weekends and the way he acted seemed completely different.

Her feelings for him did change. She still didn't feel the way he had always wanted him to but she found that she didn't mind talking to him. And with Severus ignoring her she sometimes needed someone else to talk to.

* * *

Severus couldn't help but notice how much time Lily was spending with Potter. He knew it was partially his fault, maybe more than partially. He had ignored her far too much. But things were getting so much more complicated. As the months went and leaving Hogwarts became so much more real the Slytherin seventh years were paying so much more attention to each other. Severus felt like everything he said and did was being monitored. Everyone was, but especially him. He was the one who had spent fifteen years being best friends with a mudblood and he was the one they thought might not want to join the Dark Lord. The truth was he was scared. He didn't want them to suspect he wasn't going to.

He was a Slytherin. The Dark Lord was growing more and more powerful everyday. It wasn't as if he could just declare that he wasn't going to join him. Nothing could be more dangerous. He hated that he had to sacrifice Lily, but he didn't think he had any choice.


	10. The Big Bad World Isn't Far Now

**Chapter 10 The Big Bad World Isn't Far Now**

"Hey," James said during one of his and Lily's patrolling sessions.

"Yes?" she replied.

"You know there's a Hogsmeade trip next weekend and I was wondering if you would go with me. If you would like to that is."

Lily opened her mouth to reply no as usual but after a moment she shut it again and just nodded.

"Yes?" James said trying not to look too excited.

"I suppose. Since we are friends now," Lily explained.

"Well I...I'll...I."

Lily laughed, "Is James Potter actually speechless?"

"Yes I think I am. Did Lily Evans actually say yes?"

"Yes I think I did. Don't make me regret it."

"Oh I won't," James promised.

* * *

Severus hadn't planned on going to Hogsmeade. It had been enjoyable third year but after that he really couldn't see the point. The other Slytherins enjoyed going because there were no teachers and they could do what they wanted to the other students. Severus preferred to stay away from all that.

He decided he had no choice but to go after he overheard a conversation of Potter and his friends.

He was going back to his dormitory after dinner and wasn't really paying attention to where he was going. His mind had been elsewhere recently what with Lily spending so much time with Potter and all. At first he thought it was just his imagination when he heard Potter's voice coming from inside a classroom saying, "You will never believe what Lily just said."

He realized it wasn't when he heard another voice reply back, "I don't know Prongs, was it 'no'?"

"Actually it wasn't. She actually said yes. We're going to Hogsmeade together. I guess my change of tactics worked."

"I have been telling you to change tactics since third year," a third voice said sounding slightly annoyed.

"I know, Moony. Maybe I should have listened."

"You were bound to figure it out eventually," someone else said.

"I don't know, Wormtail, I thought he might be single forever."

There was the sound of someone being smacked and then Severus heard footsteps coming towards the door. He hurried off before they came out and saw that he was eavesdropping.

It was then that he realized that maybe ignoring Lily wasn't the best idea. He had always know that it would be hard, but he hadn't thought about how bad the consequences could be. If she was friends with Potter then who knew what might happen?

Then another thought hit him. What if Potter knew he was standing outside that door? What if he only said those things to try to start a fight? Severus wouldn't let that happen. He had always got the feeling that Potter didn't really believe that his and Lily's relationship was over. Everyone else had accepted the fact but Potter still acted like he always had. Now that could have just been because he would always hate Severus, but Severus thought that there was another reason as well.

If Potter thought that Severus was still keeping Lily from him then he would do anything to get her away from Severus. Severus knew he couldn't lose Lily. So there was only one thing to do. He would have to go to Hogsmeade and see if what Potter said was true.

* * *

Lily stood with Alice waiting for their dates. The rest of their friends had gone already and it was just the two of them.

Alice spoke suddenly, "There's Frank."

He saw the girls and walked to where they were standing. He said hello to Lily, kissed Alice, and asked if she was ready to go.

Alice said goodbye to Lily and walked off with Frank leaving Lily alone to wait for James. Finally she saw him coming. She glanced at her watch and saw it was exactly the time they had arranged on.

"Hi," he said.

"Hi," she replied.

"You ready to go?"

She nodded and they left the entrance hall. She couldn't help but smile. She hadn't been on a date in forever. What neither of them knew was that Severus had seen the entire exchange and he was not smiling.

* * *

Severus followed Lily and Potter from a distance. They went into the Three Broomsticks and Severus slipped in after them. He sat at a table at the back of the room without speaking to anyone. He tried not to act like he was watching Lily but he was. He watched the way she laughed at the things Potter said and how he smiled at her.

He didn't know what was going on between Lily and Potter. He hoped that it was nothing but it didn't look like nothing.

He stood up quickly and left the Three Broomsticks. On his way out Lily glanced over at him but she looked away quickly and Potter didn't notice him at all.

On his way back to the castle he passed a pair of seventh year Ravenclaws standing so close to each other he could barely tell they were too separate people. He walked away quickly but he still had a chance to recognize them. They had been inseparable since the end of fifth year and everyone knew that they were going to be married as soon as they left school.

Severus nearly stopped when another thought hit him. If Lily and Potter were dating, and he had a horrible suspicion that they were, then what if they were married? They couldn't, could they? They hadn't even been friends for all that long. Getting married that soon would be awfully rash.

But the thought still haunted his mind. They might and he would lose Lily forever.

* * *

At the end of potions the next day Severus knocked over Lily's cauldron on his way out. He knew she wouldn't want to make her friends late so when she came out a few minutes later she was alone. Severus was waiting for her.

"Lily," he said. "I need to talk to you."

"Oh are you speaking to me again?" she asked.

"You know I didn't want to."

"You didn't to what? Talk to me?"

"Ignore you."

"Well you did. You haven't spoken to me all year."

"I'm sorry," Severus started.

"I don't care," Lily said but Severus was sure he heard her voice crack and when she ran from him he was sure it was not in the direction of her next class.

* * *

"Why weren't you in History of Magic?" James asked when he next saw Lily in the library later that day.

"I...I don't know. I was going to be late after having to clean up in potions and I was distracted so I went the wrong direction and I just...didn't go."

"It's alright. We didn't learn anything important anyway. Although Binns probably wouldn't have noticed even if you did walk in halfway through the class."

"No, I suppose not. I..." Lily stopped part of her wanted to tell him how upset she had been after potions, but she couldn't tell him about Severus. Severus who never failed to hurt her even when he wasn't trying to. If James found out about that he would probably kill Severus and even after everything Lily didn't want him dead.

Really she would have liked to be friends with him again but at the same time he needed to know how she had felt the entire year. Maybe eventually things would be okay between them but not right away. And if they did make up it was going to be on Lily's terms.

"You what?" James asked.

"Today was just a bad day. And with everything that happened in potions I just couldn't take it anymore."

"Who spilled your cauldron anyway."

"I did," Lily lied. "When I stood up I knocked it over. I'm so clumsy sometimes."

"We all love you anyway," James started and when Lily smiled slightly he continued. "I love you anyway."

"James," she said, her voice not sounding quite like she wanted it to. She had meant to sound wary but instead she sounded almost thankful. That at least he cared about her.

She closed her eyes when he took a step closer to her. She knew what he was thinking and she couldn't bring herself to move away, to tell him no.

When his lips met hers she returned the kiss like she was supposed to but her heart wasn't in it. Deep down, in a part of her heart that she didn't want to admit existed anymore, she wished it was Severus she was kissing.

Severus had never kissed her but she imagined if he did it would be nothing like kissing James. James was so gentle, as if he expected her to pull away at any second. Severus was never gentle, ever.

When they broke apart James was smiling and Lily smiled, as well. Because if he was happy why shouldn't she be happy?

* * *

All the seventh years knew that the school year couldn't last forever no matter how much some of them wanted it to. Plans had to be made and the future had to be thought about. Mostly they tried not to think about it.

But they sometimes did and the everyone had heard all the rumours. Who was getting married, who was looking for a job, and who had no idea what they were doing.

Severus knew all this, as well. He knew which of the Slytherins were going straight to You-Know-Who, whose parent's positions as Death Eaters would make it easier for them to get in the inner circle, and who wasn't quite sure they wanted to join.

No one talked about those people much. The other Slytherins, the ones who had known where their loyalties lay since the moment the hat put them in the house, would whisper about those people to each other and cast them sideways glances across the room.

Severus had spent the whole year trying not to be classified as uncertain. He thought he had succeeded. He was one of the ones whispering about the others, not being whispered about.

It had come at a cost, of course. But Lily was happy, that much was obvious, and he told himself that was enough. It wasn't, not at all. Not when it was Potter who made her happy. But he'd tried and she hadn't listened. All he could really do was wait and hope she would come around.


	11. NEWTs

**Chapter 11 N.E.W.T.s**

"Can you believe that these are our last exams ever?"

Lily looked up from her transfiguration notes when Alice spoke. "No," she replied, "I can't believe it. In three weeks we'll be done with school and..."

"And then it's onto the real world," Alice finished.

"Onto to the real world," Lily repeated.

"I think it's pointless having an Astronomy N.E.W.T, don't you. After all, it's not like I'm ever going to use anything in that class again."

"I suppose not," Lily agreed. "It is very interesting, though."

Alice shrugged. "I don't know if I would say _very _interesting. Better than History of Magic, at least, since I can actually stay awake."

Lily laughed. "History of Magic won't be very useful for you either. Are you still planning on becoming an auror?"

Alice nodded. "Frank and I have talked about it. We can go through training together and be a team, you know?"

"Yes," Lily nodded. "When are you going to be married?"

"As soon as we can. We both want a small wedding so we won't have to spend much time getting ready. Probably mid July at the latest."

"Are your parents alright with it?"

"His are, and my father is, the Longbottoms are a very good family, but my mother thinks we're too young."

"Is she going to let you?"

"Yes, I think so. She wants me to be happy."

"That's good."

Alice nodded. "What about you. Will you get married soon?"

"To James?"

"Who else?"

"I don't know," Lily answered slowly. "Not right away. We haven't been dating that long."

"You two are perfect for each other."

"It's really too early to tell."

"You've been dating since February."

"That's not that long."

"I guess not."

* * *

"Are you actually going to study, Snape," Wilkes asked standing next to the table Severus had his potions book open on.

"Is there a problem with me studying?" Severus asked, not looking up.

"I only thought someone as smart as you wouldn't need to study. Least of all for potions," he spat.

Severus didn't reply. He didn't know what Wilkes hated him for, but he at least was going to get O's on his N.E.W.T.s. If the other Slytherins didn't think they were necessary then that was their choice.

"Are you going to ignore me, Snape?" Wilkes obviously wasn't going to leave him alone.

"I am studying," Severus began, "so I pass my exams. Passing may not matter to you, but it does matter to me."

Wilkes snorted. "I don't see why. Do you really think the Dark Lord is going to care how many N.E.W.T.s we got?"

Severus honestly didn't know what the Dark Lord did and didn't care about. He wasn't going to say that, thought, so he just shrugged and went back to the page in his textbook he was reading.

Wilkes evidently was bored with him because he walked away.

* * *

Lily sat down to take her Charms theory exam feeling as if everything she had learned had completely left her head. She always got that way during her first exam. Once she started reading questions and writing answers she would be fine for the rest of her exams.

Sure enough she had no trouble answering the first question or the second and after that her nervousness faded away. After she answered the final question it was with complete confidence that she handed it in.

She thought the practical part went just as well. She remembered all her wand movements, which had always been the hardest part for her, and the examiner looked pleased when he told her she could go.

Lily spent the night studying with Mary who was completely panicking about Transfiguration the next day.

"You'll be fine," Lily had attempted to reassure her.

"No I won't," Mary insisted. "I'm horrible at Transfiguration. I'm definitely going to fail.

So Lily stayed up until past midnight testing Mary on everything they had learned in Transfiguration since first year. By the time they were finished both girls were convinced they knew everything they could possibly know about Transfiguration.

On Wednesday Lily had Herbology in the morning (which she thought went fairly well, at least an acceptable) but nothing in the afternoon which gave her a chance to study for Defense Against the Dark Arts the next day.

The Defense Against the Dark Arts exam was harder than she expected. She found her self struggling despite all the time she spent studying the previous day. The practical exam was slightly better but she still made several silly mistakes that made her positive she wasn't getting an O and maybe not even an E.

Arithmancy on Friday was hard, but she had known it would be. Arithmancy had been difficult from the very first day. She did hope that she had managed to get an exceeds expectations, however.

The weekend passed in a blur of frantic studying, mostly for Potions on Monday but also for Care of Magical Creatures on Tuesday and Astronomy Wednesday.

Lily was sure her Potions exam went well as her potions turned out nearly perfect. Care of Magical Creatures wasn't too bad but Astronomy was a struggle. There had been so much to memorize and she knew that she hadn't remembered it all. She could only hope she got most of it.

She had intended to begin studying for History of Magic once she finished Astronomy but she was so tired she decided it could wait until morning.

When morning did arrive she would have liked to put it off further but she forced herself to read through her textbook until it was time to take the exam in the afternoon.

She was so relived when the exam was finally over that she didn't take the time to worry about all the names and dates she was sure she had mixed up. The exams were finally over.

"We survived our N.E.W.T.s!" Alice said excitedly when she caught up with Lily outside the Great Hall. "And now we're free!"

Lily laughed. "I don't know how I made it through all of those."

"Oh don't be ridiculous, I'm sure you got outstanding on every one of them."

"I wouldn't be so sure..." Lily said.

"Let's not talk about that now," Alice cut in. "Come on. Let's go outside."

Lily agreed and followed Alice outside. She looked around and saw all the other students enjoying the sunshine, and the freedom. She couldn't help being reminded of another time like that one. Had it really only been two years ago?

Lily caught herself looking for Severus and quickly stopped herself. She wasn't going to ruin her good mood by thinking of him.

She and Alice found the rest of their friends and sat on the grass discussing everything but their exams. Anytime someone brought them up someone else would cut them off with a quick change of the subject.

After about half of an hour James came to talk to her and Lily stood to walk with him. They started around the lake, holding hands and talking about nothing. It was strange to Lily how much her and James's relationship had changed in the past year, especially the last few months.

She still wasn't sure how she felt about him. She wanted more than anything to feel the same way about him that he felt about her but another part of her wanted to remain loyal to Severus. That, of course, resulted in her feeling guilty for letting James believe she felt a way that she might not.

But she did like James, she liked him very much. He had changed a lot, and most importantly he had changed for _her_, something Severus would never do. Severus had always expected her to bend to his will and never returning the favor. With James it was so much more balanced.

But Severus had been her best friend since she was a child. Severus was the first person she had ever loved. Severus was the person that she...did she still love him? She didn't know.

Or did she love James? No, not quite, not yet.

* * *

For Severus, N.E.W.T.s didn't go quite as well as he would have liked. With the other Slytherins distracting him he had found very little time to study and with the amount of time he had spent thinking of...other things in class he couldn't afford to lose any time.

He did at least think he had passed the classes he cared about but his happiness over this was short-lived. Once he was outside with everyone else he was greeted with the sight of Lily and Potter walking around the lake, _holding hands._

Severus supposed this shouldn't have surprised him. After all, the were dating. But he still wasn't used to seeing them that close and the thought of what else they might be doing was enough to make him want to turn and run back inside.

But he resisted the urge. He'd made it this far without giving anything away and if he was going to lose Lily, which he still didn't want to admit was going to happen, he at least was going to do it for something slightly worth while. At least that was what he told himself.


	12. Dates With the Giant Squid

**Chapter 12 Dates With the Giant Squid**

Lily awoke the next morning feeling strangely happy. It wasn't just the fact that N.E.W.T.s were over, it was a feeling that something good was going to happen that day.

She walked to breakfast and sat down beside her friends.

"I see you're happy," Alice commented

"I am, as well," Mary agreed. "Exams are over forever."

Lily laughed. "It feels wonderful, doesn't it."

After breakfast everyone wandered off to do whatever they felt like doing and Lily found herself outside and all alone. There were people all around but her eyes fell on one particular person.

Severus was sitting by the lake, his friends nowhere in sight. Everyone else was siting closer to the school using the shade of the trees to protect them from the bright sunlight. His aloneness made Lily feel sad and guilty about not forgiving him when he asked her to. She realized she needed to make up with him.

She made her way towards him and when she was a few meters away she stopped and pulled out her wand. "Expecto patronum," she whispered.

A doe burst out of the tip of her wand and made its way towards Severus. He turned when he saw it next to him. He smiled when he saw her.

"Come here," he mouthed.

She sat down beside him and asked, "You aren't worried your friends will see?"

"They're inside," he said. "And anyway, I've almost missed you too much to care."

"I've missed you, too."

"Have you really? I wouldn't blame you if you'd rather have Potter."

"Severus..." Lily said. "James can't change the way I feel about you. But he's been there for me when I needed him all year. He really has changed and I like him a lot more now. You know that you and I could never have a future together. There's too much secrecy and too much risk. But James..."

"You have a future with Potter? Does that mean you're actually considering it?"

"Yes," Lily answered, she couldn't lie to him.

"Do you love him?"

"I might and I know I could. And I know he loves me."

"But what about me and us?"

"There hasn't been an us this year. And what about you? Can you honestly say there will be a time when I won't come second in your life?"

"Lily... I would if I could. You know that. You know how I feel about you."

"Do I Severus? You said 'I loved you' once but only after I said it first. And I don't care how dangerous it might be, if you don't even make an effort to see me you can't say that it's true."

"I love you, Lily. I always have and I always will. I would give up everything for you if I thought I could. I would do anything for you."

"Anything but die for me."

"I would but dying to be with you isn't going to let us be together."

"No, I suppose it wouldn't."

They say in silence for a long while.

"I really am sorry," Severus said. "More sorry than you could possibly know. Sorry that I am who I am and not who you are. Sorry that everyone I know has to hate you and everyone you know has to hate me. I'm sorry that I'm not good enough for you because I know I never will be. I'm sorry I have to be a Slytherin and I'm sorry for all the problems it causes. I would understand if you would rather date..." he looked around for inspiration, "the giant squid than me."

Lily laughed for a second but most of what he'd said wasn't funny. "I'm sorry too," she said. "I should have been more understanding, about everything. I know you can't help most of the things you do. I shouldn't have gotten angry about all of that."

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

* * *

The happiness the end of the year brought couldn't last forever and before anyone knew it they were on the train home.

At the station there were tearful goodbyes and people who had barely spoken a word to each other were hugging and promising to write.

They all knew they wouldn't. They would move on to their own lives and all but forget each other. Only the special ones would be remembered forever.

Lily knew she would never speak to the Ravenclaw girl she hugged it the Hufflepuff boy who said they should get a drink together sometime again.

She knew the ones she wouldn't forget. Her friends she'd write to everyday; and James, she didn't know how things would turn out with him; and Severus of course still lived near her and she hoped that wouldn't change, at least for a little while.

She had her future to think about but she wasn't sure she was ready to be on her own just yet. But that could change over the summer. It would be a summer of transitions for everyone. From school to the real world. She had no way of knowing what was going to happen. She couldn't know how hard for easy it would be. She barely even knew what she was going to do with her life.

Petunia was getting married and so was Alice, but besides that anything could happen. And she hoped it would.


	13. The World at War

Chapter 13 The World at War

Lily sat beside Severus in their regular spot. It was their first week out of school and the first, and probably last for a while, chance they have to meet. James was coming to stay and the next few weeks would be spent with him.

Severus wasn't happy about this fact, of course. But neither of them wanted to talk about it much. They had been ignoring the things that would come between them all summer.

But there were so many things coming between them.

"Lily," Severus said slowly.

"Hmm," Lily met his eyes reluctantly sensing he was going to say something she probably didn't want to hear.

"I got a letter from Lucius today."

"And?"

"He wants me to come to one of the meetings."

Lily knew exactly what meetings Severus was talking about and she didn't say anything but, "Oh."

"Lily..."

"What?" Lily snapped.

"I knew you'd get upset."

"Of course I'm going to get upset. You're going to join *them*!"

"Lily stop."

"Why?" Lily asked. She couldn't help but notice that she and Severus were spending more and more time angry at each other. They kept fighting and she wondered when the time would come that they wouldn't make up.

"Because I don't want to fight."

"I don't want to either."

"Then let's not."

"You're still want to join the Death Eaters."

"I don't want to. But you know it's going to happen."

"I know. But Severus..."

"Yes?"

"If there's any other way..."

"There isn't."

"But if there were?"

"I'd take it in a second. But there's not."

"Please, Severus."

"I can't, Lily."

"I wish you could."

"So do I."

"Why can't we run away together? We could go faraway, where no one can find us. It would just me the two of us, you and me. And there would be nothing and no one to get between us. You wouldn't have to join the Death Eaters and I wouldn't have to pretend I'm in love with someone I'm not and there'd be no more secrets. It would be perfect."

"I know." Severus wanted to comment on Lily saying she didn't love Potter but he didn't want to upset her more so he stayed silent.

"Why isn't anything ever perfect?"

Severus shrugged, wondering the same thing himself.

PAGE BREAK

"...Don't you think?"

Lily looked up at James who was sitting across from her at her kitchen table. She hasn't heard a word he said. "What do I think?"

"That we should join the Order of the Phoenix," James repeated.

"Oh, of course" Lily answered. "We're of age now."

"I know," James said. "We can finally do something now that we're not stuck at school."

Lily laughed as James started on a rant about how glad he was to be out of school. She wasn't listening. She was thinking about Severus. She wondered how his meeting was going. Would they let him join? When, and if, she saw him again would he be one of them? Would she even be able to bear to speak to him?

She suddenly felt like sobbing but she held it together for James's sake. She didn't think she'd be able to handle his questions.

ONE MONTH LATER

Lily stood in the shadow of a tree cast by one of the street lamps. She heard a loud pop and Severus was standing beside her.

"Lily," he said.

"Severus," she replied.

"How are you?"

"Fine."

The silence between was forced and awkward.

"Did you do it then?" Lily asked.

She could barely see Severus's nod in the dark.

She pursed her lips and then quickly stopped thinking of her sister. Petunia had pursed her lips at Lily when she arrived at her wedding with James. "I don't want any of *your kind* ruining this day for me," Petunia had whispered. Lily had only nodded and slipped away to stand beside her mother.

"Don't hate me, Lily," Severus begged.

"I don't," Lily replied. "I just despise who you insist on being."

"You can't despise me as much as I despise myself."

"I'm trying."

"Did you and Potter join the Order?"

"What James and I do is of no concern to you."

"What you and...James do concerns me very much."

"Don't waste your energy worrying about James."

"I'm worrying about you."

"Well don't. I can take care of myself."

"I know that, but Lily..."

"But what? I don't need your help. I don't need you."

Severus stared at her. "I know. But there's a war on, Lily. It's a dangerous world. I couldn't bare if you got hurt by one of us."

"One of you. Are you going to tell all your friends not to hurt me."

"I won't let them."

"You can't protect me, Severus. You need to understand that."

"Can Potter?"

"More than you. But, Severus, I don't always need protecting. I can take care of myself."

"I know. I know but I still wish that I could."

"I wish for a lot of things, but very few of them ever actually happen. But that's the way life is. You don't get most of what you want. I understand that now and I've stopped wishing for things I can't have. And maybe you should, too."


End file.
